Hey, so it should come to no surprise to anyone that I drink. It also should shock no one that I’m a language geek.

The language surrounding wines in particular fascinates me. So in the interest of pretention, I’m writing a review of this $12 bottle of wine that I bought and drank a couple nights back.

I don’t normally drink whites, but GQ told me I should give Rieslings a shot, and if anything will change what wines I drink, it’s a magazine hefty enough to double as a murder weapon. So instead of getting my normal merlot, I scoured the shelves at Uwajimaya Renton and came up with this. Rieslings have a bad rap for being barely-fermented grape juice, but in the hands of a vintner so inclined, they can be big and complex. Or at least, that’s what GQ told me. And those words sound important, so I’m repeating them.

So I uncorked the bottle and poured it into my wine glass. Don’t ask me what type, it’s a big fat all-purpose one, the sort that a guy who doesn’t drink wine still has floating around his cabinet.

I did the customary swirl and sniff, because that’s what I learned to do with wine at the Friday Night wine tastings at Louisiana State University. Unfortunately, my nose was stuffy, so all I could really get through the snot was that it had a kind of sweet bouquet. Alright, whatever, hopefully my taste buds aren’t clogged too! I took a sip.

The initial flavor reminds me of honeysuckle, with a grapefruit rind finish. Now I know what you’re thinking:

“Grapefruit rind? Gross!”

Not really. The bitterness contrasts against the sweet start in a really pleasant way, kind of like with, you know, grapefruit juice.
(huh, is grapefruit wine a thing?)
My cursory Google search shows that it isn’t, so uh, get on that, brewmasters. I’d buy that until I drown in it.

Anyways, this was a good trade-off from my usual burly merlot, and for a very reasonable price.

Now for the question my high school buddies would ask me: “Yeah, but will it get you drunk?”

First off, getting drunk isn’t the only reason to drink beer, wine, or even hard liquor, you know. It’s the gustatory experience, not the numbing escape from your objectively miserable, existential slurry of a li– HOLY SHIT YES. Covey Run Riesling is 12% alcohol by volume, which is pretty high for a wine. And thanks to the fact that I’ll eat or drink anything until the container is gone, (chips, vegetables, oreos, any size plate of dinner, soda two-liters, bottles of wine., small elephants, saltines, and bottled whale bile), I did the whole bottle that night. My D&D group used to call me “The Bane of Small Consumables”. I’m just glad the “til it’s gone” rule somehow wired into my biology doesn’t apply to hard liquor, or I’d have real problems.

So yeah, while this stuff won’t ignite with the introduction of a tiny spark, by the time I killed the bottle, I definitely felt fuzzed. As a 195-pound male. So yes. It will get you drunk.

If you’re in the mood for a nice $10-20 wine, why not Covey Run Riesling? It probably goes well with chicken too, but I didn’t try that. If you do, let me know how it goes in the comments.

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Gregory Blake is a freelance fiction, comedy, and opinion writer. You can find him on Facebook, Twitter, and of course, on the blog you’re reading right now.